We drove up to Flagstaff, AZ one week ago today to drop my son off at NAU. Bobby and Weston followed Jacky and I as we sped up the I17. I was emotional already and nervous because I was a passenger. Jax doesn't have a ton of experience driving freeways but we made it there physically. Emotionally, I was still stuck somewhere in the early 2000s when Cracker Jax was still a baby. OH how I wish I could go back just one day and hold my boys tight again, when they kissed me on the lips, told me they loved me as they walked by without prompting, still thought it was cool to fight over who slept on mommy's side of the bed. Oh how I wish!!
The night before I only got 2-3 hours of sleep. That morning I woke up early because I still had a lot to do, but I woke up even earlier because my back was aching and I couldn't sleep. I am used to back pain that keeps me up so I thought it was acting up more than usual. I went about my business and wrote my son a letter. Here it is:
To My Cracker Jax, Jaxy, Jacky Boy! My favorite first offspring!!
Today is the day we send you off to NAU. I will cry, but I am so overjoyed about the young man you have become. You fill my heart with so much happiness. I wish I could turn back time and hold you in my arms again, but here you stand a tall, strong and very handsome young man. There are so many things that I admire in you like the persistence to succeed and the goodness in your heart. You always earn the respect from others and adults have noted your respect for all people. I have so many proud moments and I am so proud calling you my son! You gave me the title mom (not mother…lol) There is nothing I’d rather see than your smile and laughter!! ( a hug and an I love you would be the icing) It was not too long ago that when you walked by me you’d say love you. Those memories melt my heart. There are so many wonderful memories of your little personality that make me smile big.
You are a young man with a lifetime in front of you. I look back and wonder if I did enough, taught enough, was present enough, help you develop a relationship with Jesus Christ. I pray that I did. Sometimes, we don’t make my feelings clear and misunderstandings occur. This may lead to needless doubts and insecurities. Please don’t feel insecure. Know that I am present and GOD is present and we can talk about anything any time anywhere!!
Life is going to throw you challenges that will be hard to navigate through. Dad and I are here for you. Jesus is always there. I have the confidence you’ll make the right choice, but we all make mistakes.Your faith will be tested and tried, but He (GOD and Jesus) will be faithful through it all.Call on God to lead you, to guide you too. I love you so much, but the bible says He loves you more. No matter how much I love you, God loves you more. I know you will find Him, know His presence over the next few years.But one day you will leave that campus. It doesn’t matter where you go. He will be with you. He will walk beside you, guiding your steps. He will walk in front of you, leading you in His path. He will walk behind you, watching over your journey. He is with you always and forever. I pray you find His will in your decisions.
I know you will have fun in college, be silly and make new friends and build new relationships that will last a lifetime, experience new things, learn how to adult. Foster the good relationships because what I’ve learned is “It’s who you know” One day you can monopolize on that.
You are about to embark on a new journey, a new chapter of this life. You will learn some powerful lessons and focus on your goals. My precious son… I simply can’t believe this day has come. I am beyond proud of you, of the young man you have already become. But I know there’s so much more! No matter where you are, know you have my unconditional love and support. And, you always have a safe place to land no matter what this life throws your way.
I wish you the strength to face life with confidence and the wisdom to choose your battles and take risks carefully. I wish adventure on your journey and may you always stop to help someone along the way. May the grace and peace of God always be your compass in life. May the devotion of your family always be your strength. You are deeply and eternally loved. I love you too much baby!!! I am so stinking proud of you!!!!!! Dream Big Baby and follow your passion fearlessly!!!
Love Your Mama!!!
He likes to call me Mother! I love him so so so toooooo much! We spend 1 night there and that night I didn't sleep again because my back was in sooooo much pain. I thought this is different pain and I started to research kidney pain. I waited until 6am to message my brother (he's a PA) and my chiropractor. After some questions she mentioned shingles and I was certain it wasn't that because I thought they were just chicken pox on steroids. To make a long story short, we drove home that day straight to urgent care and the are treating me for shingles. I learned that shingles is not just a rash, it's nerve pain!!! Holy Moly this is painful! Get you vaccine!